She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
