My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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