I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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