Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
