Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
