Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
