If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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