she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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