just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
