My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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