yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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