am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
