We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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