sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
