the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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