i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
