I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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