I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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