If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
