i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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