ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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