Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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