plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
why is half of my head shaved?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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