so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Randomize
