yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you traded sex for a burrito?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
