my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
