They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
