About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
