Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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