I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
