mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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