i just google imaged poop.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
