Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
