You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
