I am puke
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize