so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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