he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I am one with the molecules
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize