So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
