There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
