I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
