Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize