Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
