Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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