Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize