If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize