1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
