Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
