The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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