Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
