I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
