its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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