Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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