just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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