worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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