i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
