We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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