Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
