Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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