Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
