Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
