OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
